Alex Jones Is Terrified He Himself May Be A Lizard Person

Dash MacIntyre
6 min readJul 14, 2022
Photo by Sean P. Anderson

Conspiracy theorist Alex Jones has for a long time used his media network InfoWars to spread and capitalize on conspiracies alleging that numerous national calamities, particularly those involving gun-related mass murders, are secret false flag operations orchestrated by reptilian shapeshifters in the government to take away America’s Second Amendment rights.

However, now his suspicions have apparently turned on himself because earlier today he told his audience that he has been super worried about something.

“I’m not crazy, folks, though everybody says I’m crazy,” Jones began his rant. “But it’s been 100% proven that the Lizard People are everywhere. And they’ve teamed up with the Mole People. You know that, I know that, everybody knows they’re living among us. Nancy Pelosi knows it. She’s the Lizard Queen. She’s a transgender Marxist reptilian monarch from another planet who came here on a spaceship with an engine fueled by the bones and blood of little abducted children throughout the galaxy! And her minions are everywhere. Every continent. The lizards have brainwashed all the liberals here in America, and turned them into secularists and radical communists with their Obama-loving, feminist, Kenyan, neo-colonialist Gay Agenda. The Lizards don’t even hide anymore! They walk around in broad daylight! In fact, I have to admit something. I think — God, it makes me so angry. I’m furious! FURIOUS!”

Jones paused a moment for the suspense to build.

“Folks, I believe something so heinous and terrible for humanity that I can barely say it out loud. I believe Hillary Rodham Clinton has even infected me with the reptilian poison. Me! It happened a couple weeks ago. She snuck up on me in a parking garage, and got me with her fangs and then transmogrified into a bat and flew away before I could pull out my pistols and shoot her. I thought I might be okay, but, folks, things are starting to go wrong with my body. I can feel Hillary’s venom in my bloodstream. It burns every time I pee! The Democrats are trying to turn me into a reptilian pawn, so I can become one of their false flag government plants! The poison whispers things in my head! I hear Hillary’s cackles late into the night, and it echoes into my soul. Telling me all kinds of fake news hoaxes. Like that…

Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Follow THP at to read my Dada news.