Member-only story

Al-Qaeda Is Buying NRA Memberships To Help Fund US Gun Violence

Dash MacIntyre
3 min readFeb 2, 2023
Photo by Will Porada on Unsplash

The terrorism group al-Qaeda just revealed it has been buying NRA memberships for its jihadists because of how many Americans die from gun violence every year.

“Our financial analysis shows very clearly that helping the NRA lobby against gun control leads to more dead Americans than any other form of terrorism we’ve thought up ourselves,” said al-Qaeda’s Chief Financial Officer Omar Abdullah. “Americans kill more than 40,000 of their own every single year with guns. Every year! Those kinds of numbers are beyond Osama bin Laden’s wildest dreams, and that guy was a true visionary dreamer of dead Americans!”

Other al-Qaeda jihadis agreed that the NRA accomplishes more gun terrorism in the US every day than the diminished radical Islamic group can accomplish in a year.

“Now that the War on Terror has drawn down in the Middle East, particularly since the US military withdrew from Afghanistan, it’s just very hard for us to kill any Americans,” explained al-Qaeda’s spokesperson Abba al-Fadel. “But then we realized that the number one murderer of Americans is actually other Americans thanks to their incredibly lax gun laws, their fetishization of carrying military weapons in public, and their chronic incel problem. Don’t get me wrong, we have plenty of incels in al-Qaeda — our strict…

--

--

Dash MacIntyre
Dash MacIntyre

Written by Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.

Responses (5)