KOMPROMAT UPDATE

A Russian Ex-Spy Says Trump’s Sex Tape Had No Women, Just Big Macs

Dash MacIntyre

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Official White House photo (cropped) by Joyce N. Boghosian | via Flickr.com Public Domain CC 1.0

A shocking development in President Donald Trump’s Russian collusion scandal has thrust his suspected kompromat videotape back into the spotlight.

In an exclusive Halfway Post interview with Dimitri Kuznetsov, a former Russian spy who defected to the US following the illegal invasion of Ukraine, he confirmed the Steele Dossier’s authenticity while adding new heretofore unknown, and disgusting, details.

“Your President wasn’t hard to lure into a classic sex tape espionage sting, let me tell you,” Kuznetsov explained. “The infamous Steele Dossier was almost spot on. However, your American intelligence officials accidentally perpetrated a mistranslation error from a field report describing two wiretapped Russian intelligence officials using the term ‘golden arches,’ by which they were referring to the fast food restaurant McDonalds. The Steele Dossier erroneously translated this as ‘golden showers,’ and speculated on the involvement of several Moscovite prostitutes. When the Russian officers were overheard describing Trump slapping around pieces of meat, it was not a euphemism for sex with women, it was literally burger patties from several Big Mac sandwiches. You see, Trump had been partying with his Russian business associates following the conclusion of his Miss Universe contest that he had hosted in Moscow, and he wanted fast food, so we drove him to a McDonalds. I can honestly say I have never seen a more gluttonous order for a single person than what your ex-president ordered. I’ve quite literally seen a full-sized Siberian brown bear fill up on less garbage than Donald Trump. He ordered four Big Macs, two large fries, two Filets-O-Fish, and three large chocolate shakes, which he told us were for him to drink one on the way back to the hotel, one while he ate the sandwiches, and the third for dessert afterwards. We had planted a secret hidden camera in his hotel room, so we asked him if he wanted us to send any of the best prostitutes Moscow had to offer up to his room, and Trump, shockingly and perhaps uncharacteristically to his credit, said no. He was munching on the first Filet-O-Fish, and he told us he was tired from spending so many hours snooping in the girls’ locker rooms to sneak peaks at the Miss Universe contestants…

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.