A Roast Of Every US President

From the perspective of Donald Trump

Photo by John Bakator on Unsplash

On a podcast recently, Donald Trump read the names of every other US president, and then followed it with an insult:

1. George Washington — “George was a loser who showed such weakness refusing a third presidential term. He missed the opportunity of a lifetime to make himself King of America!”
2. John Adams — “John Adams was a bald little freak, and a pussy like Mike Pence for giving up the presidency to Thomas Jefferson after losing the election. Was he too poor to hire lawyers to launch hundreds of lawsuits? Too unpopular to have his followers storm the Capitol? Or were his generals just too scared to declare martial law and give him emergency dictatorial powers like mine were?”
3. Thomas Jefferson — “Jefferson had no talent for branding. If I were him, I would have named the Louisiana Purchase after myself! I’d have called it the Trumpiana Purchase, and charged every person living there rent for staying in my territory! He could have been rich!”
4. James Madison — “People always tell me I’d have made a great Founding Father. I’d have written the Constitution much better by giving presidents unlimited immunity!”
5. James Monroe — “People come up to me all the time and say, ‘Sir, the Trump Doctrine is way better than…