BUSTED!

A New Court Filing Lists Very Odd Things The FBI Found At Mar-A-Lago

Dash MacIntyre

--

Credit: Gage Skidmore | gageskidmore.com | via Flickr (CC BY-SA 2.0)

A newly submitted document from Special Counsel Jack Smith’s investigation into Donald Trump’s mishandling of classified documents revealed some surprising details of what was found at Mar-a-Lago during the FBI’s search and seizure of evidence last year:

  • Thousands of pages of the US military’s various war plans and deployment strategies kept in old, greasy, used KFC fried chicken buckets
  • Big boxes labeled “blackmail on Kevin McCarthy,” “Lindsey Graham’s dirty emails,” “pictures and payments found on Matt Gaetz’s cell phone,” “hidden discovery documents from Jim Jordan’s wrestling doctor lawsuits,” “videotape of Ted Cruz naked doing degrading things for a 2020 endorsement,” and “proof that Josh Hawley watches pornography on his Senate computer all day during his office hours”
  • Rudy Giuliani drunk and passed out on the couch in the lobby with his hand in his pants with empty scotch bottles, half smoked cigars, and letters from the New York Bar Association reminding him they’ve revoked his law license littered all around him
  • A term paper Trump wrote in high school about how genius and clever Hitler’s propaganda strategy was to tell nonstop lies about everyone and everything, and then refer to all the fact-checkers as “fake news” and “enemies of the people,” with a big, red “F” written on it with a note from the teacher to “see me after class”
  • A copy of the book “The US Government For Dummies” that looked like it was never opened or read from with a post-it note on the cover that said “From Obama, Best of Luck!
  • Papers with Sharpie marker outlines of various people’s hands Trump appears to have drawn to compare to the outline of his own hand, which he traced multiple times, including a few that showed him clearly extending the length of his finger tips to pretend they’re bigger than they are in the manner of the way he extended the trajectory of Hurricane Dorian on that map after he accidentally and erroneously said that Alabama was in danger when it wasn’t.
  • A manuscript of a novel much like Lolita, in which the protagonist, an unreliable narrator named “John Barron,” describes his affair with his teenage daughter in the…

--

--

Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.