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A Local Pastor Is Furious To Find Out Jesus Was A Libtard
Local Evangelical pastor Brett Thompson today renounced his Christian faith after reading the New Testament, and realizing Jesus Christ sounds quite a bit like a “libtard.”
“I couldn’t believe it!” said Thompson. “I realized it had been a while since I read from the New Testament because most of my sermons are about judging everyone who is gay, Muslim, feminist, vegan, Black, liberal, Californian, virtue-signaling, trans, racially mixed, Chinese, or college-educated, and for all those it makes much more sense to look into the Old Testament for judgmental inspiration, you know? So I opened the Bible to the New Testament and started reading about Jesus saying to turn the other cheek, and how he literally washed the feet of the poor, and how he talked about rich people being fundamentally sinful, and how we’ll only get into the Kingdom of Heaven if we help the needy, and all that stuff, and my blood just started boiling. I couldn’t believe what I was reading, and it wasn’t long before I was irate! I couldn’t believe all this time I’ve been worshipping a Woke, liberal commie! No one ever told me Jesus was practically Bernie Sanders and Rachel Maddow mixed together with AOC! I had the sudden urge to get out my AR-15s, and start protesting Jesus at the state capitol building!”
Thompson said the discovery shook him to his core.
“That’s just not the Jesus I know in my heart,” he continued. “The Jesus in my heart would never give money to the poor who will just use it for alcohol and drugs. The Jesus in my heart would rather invest that donatable money into the stock market to hopefully get rich quick! Or at the very least start a business to hire those poor people, but never pay them a penny more than the minimum wage so that the humiliation of not making a livable wage will encourage them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and start their own businesses to pay their own workers only the minimum wage to give back to the beautiful cycle of poverty and exploitation that makes unfettered capitalism the best economic system in the world! That’s what my Christian faith is about, not all this beta male cuck bullshit the New Testament goes on and on about! The Jesus in my heart would have no problem with the money changers in the temple at…
