EPIPHANY
A Local Pastor Is Furious To Find Out Jesus Was A Libtard
Local Evangelical pastor Brett Thompson today renounced his Christian faith after reading the New Testament, and realizing Jesus Christ sounds quite a bit like a “libtard.”
“I couldn’t believe it!” said Thompson. “I realized it had been a while since I read from the New Testament because most of my sermons are about judging everyone who is gay, Muslim, feminist, vegan, Black, liberal, Californian, virtue-signaling, trans, racially mixed, Chinese, or college-educated, and for all those it makes much more sense to look into the Old Testament for judgmental inspiration, you know? So I opened the Bible to the New Testament and started reading about Jesus saying to turn the other cheek, and how he literally washed the feet of the poor, and how he talked about rich people being fundamentally sinful, and how we’ll only get into the Kingdom of Heaven if we help the needy, and all that stuff, and my blood just started boiling. I couldn’t believe what I was reading, and it wasn’t long before I was irate! I couldn’t believe all this time I’ve been worshipping a Woke, liberal commie! No one ever told me Jesus was practically Bernie Sanders and Rachel Maddow mixed together with AOC! I had the sudden urge to get out my AR-15s, and start protesting Jesus at the state capitol building!”
