EXCLUSIVE!

A List Of Stories Donald Trump Paid To “Catch-And-Kill” Just Leaked!

(Official White House photo by D. Myles Cullen | Public Domain CC 1.0)

The following are all embarrassing news stories that Donald Trump paid to own the rights to, and then buried:

• The White House custodial staff had to do extensive refurbishing on the Oval Office’s Resolute Desk to remove four years’ worth of blue Adderall-stained boogers Trump left on the underside.
• Three different people have performed the Heimlich Maneuver on Trump when he was choking on big bites of a Big Mac, though a 4th time he almost died when he was choking and Melania watched him pretending she couldn’t understand what he was vigorously motioning with his arms about.
• Trump gets a 25% “president’s discount” on the orange foundation he buys from CoverGirl.
• The school that Trump’s kids attended in the 80s banned him from chaperoning their field trips after he repeatedly tried to recruit some of the girls into his beauty pageant.
• During a Bible study class as a kid, Trump got caught with a hardback copy in which he had replaced all the pages with the pages of Mein Kampf so he could read Hitler instead of Jesus.
• Trump used to regularly buy himself big floral arrangements to be delivered to his office any time he was being interviewed by a journalist.
• The editing for all of the seasons of The Apprentice took double the time of regular reality TV shows because the producers had to figure out creative ways to hide the facts that Trump could never tell any of the Black contestants apart, he licked his lips excessively anytime Ivanka was a judge, his nostrils were almost always stained blue, he derailed most scenes with long rants about Forbes not ranking him higher on their lists of highest net worths, and during filming he regularly pretended to get phone calls from foreign leaders, famous actresses, and beautiful models even though his phone visibly was off.
• An audit shows the Trump Organization expensed $15,000 on ice cream in 1991 during Trump’s Taj Mahal bankruptcy.
• Trump regularly gives people headshot portraits of Ivanka on which he signs his name under the creepily ambiguous message “I did this!”
• Trump spent most of 2011 playing…