EXCLUSIVE!

A List Of Stories Donald Trump Paid To “Catch-And-Kill” Just Leaked!

(Official White House photo by D. Myles Cullen | Public Domain CC 1.0)

The following are all embarrassing news stories that Donald Trump paid to own the rights to, and then buried:

• The White House custodial staff had to do extensive refurbishing on the Oval Office’s Resolute Desk to remove four years’ worth of blue Adderall-stained boogers Trump left on the underside.
• Three different people have performed the Heimlich Maneuver on Trump when he was choking on big bites of a Big Mac, though a 4th time he almost died when he was choking and Melania watched him pretending she couldn’t understand what he was vigorously motioning with his arms about.
• Trump gets a 25% “president’s discount” on the orange foundation he buys from CoverGirl.
• The school that Trump’s kids attended in the 80s banned him from chaperoning their field trips after he repeatedly tried to recruit some of the girls into his beauty pageant.
• During a Bible study class as a kid, Trump got caught with a hardback copy in which he had replaced all the pages with the pages of Mein Kampf so he could read Hitler instead of Jesus.
• Trump used to regularly buy himself big floral arrangements to be delivered to his office any time he was being interviewed by a journalist.