A.I. MILESTONE!

A.I. Just Translated An Entire Dolphin Language, And Found Many Slur Words For Humans

Dash MacIntyre

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Photo by Ranae Smith on Unsplash

In a stunning biological breakthrough, scientists based in Iceland have used artificial intelligence to decipher an Atlantic dialect of the language dolphins use to communicate with each other.

The language has been named “Dolpinian,” and it consists of clicking, whistling, and humming noises that allow dolphins to communicate ideas with each other even when they cannot see each other.

However, one of the more startling revelations from the research has been dolphins’ apparent conceptualization of humanity.

“It appears that dolphins have multiple words and phrases to identify and describe humans,” said project director Ólafur Fjordagan. “And even more interesting, our research so far suggests there are more synonyms for ‘human’ than any other noun in Dolphinian, with both positive and negative connotations… though our studies so far seem to suggest that most are very much on the negative side.”

The following is a list of Dolphinian words and terms for humans, translated into English as best as possible:

  • “Riptide quitters”
  • “Current bobbers”
  • “Debbie drowners”
  • “Respiratory toddlers”
  • “Fun-sized shark snacks”
  • “External testiculars”
  • “Squares who don’t get high off of pufferfish”
  • “Echo-less rejects”
  • “Plastic-pooping monkeys”
  • “Planet-soilers”
  • Blubber-less anorexics”
  • “Need-bait-and-sticks-to-catch-fish”
  • “Emaciated flippers”
  • “Mangled fin monstrosities with 5 flapping appendages utterly useless in the water”
  • “Rostrum-less savages with tiny melons”
  • “Dorsal dummies”
  • “Swimmers of the very shallows”
  • “Sunburning evolutionary failures whose skin doesn’t shed every two hours”
  • “Wave weaklings”
  • “Barely-ever-clean-themselves-in-water slobs”

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.