A.I. Breakthrough Has Translated The Orca Language, And Found Many Slur Words For Humans
In a stunning biological breakthrough, scientists based in Iceland have used artificial intelligence to decipher an Atlantic dialect of the language killer whales use to communicate with each other.
The language has been named “Orcan,” and it consists of clicking, whistling, and humming noises that allow orcas to communicate ideas with each other even when they cannot see each other.
“This is really quite an astonishing feat of AI technology,” said project director Sigurður Borgfjord, “and it comes at a very interesting time following all these incidents of orca pods attacking boats off the coast of Spain. Those orcas off the Iberian coast appear to have a different dialect, but I’m sure our AI algorithms will be able to decipher it soon to find out why the orcas there are suddenly so interested in attacking boats.”
However, one of the more startling revelations from the research has been Orcas’ conceptualization of humans.
“It appears that orcas have multiple words and phrases to identify and describe humans,” said Borgfjord. “And even more interesting, our research so far suggests there are more synonyms for ‘human’ than any other noun in Orcan, with both positive and negative connotations… though our studies so far seem to suggest that most are very much on the negative side.”
The following is a list of Orcan words and terms for humans, translated into English as best as possible:
- “Riptide quitters”
- “Current bobbers”
- “Debbie drowners”
- “Respiratory toddlers”
- “Fun-sized shark snacks”
- “External testiculars”
- “Squares who don’t get high off of pufferfish”
- “Echo-less rejects”
- “Plastic-pooping monkeys”
- “Planet-soilers”
- Blubber-less anorexics”
- “Need-bait-and-sticks-to-catch-fish”
- “Emaciated flippers”
- “Mangled fin monstrosities with 5 flapping appendanges utterly useless in the water”
- “Rostrum-less savages with tiny melons”
- “Dorsal dummies”
- “Swimmers of the very shallows”
- “Sunburning evolutionary failures whose skin doesn’t shed every two hours”
- “Wave weaklings”
- “Barely-ever-clean-themselves-in-water slobs”
- “Food chewers who don’t have big enough throats to swallow fish whole”
- “Both-eyes-closed-sleepers”
- “Teeny-tiny pectoral muscled water splashers”
- “Needs-both-brain-hemispheres-working-at-the-same-time doofuses”
- “Bad whistlers”
- “Penises-Not-Worth-Clicking-Home-About” 🥃
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