A Homophobic Televangelist Claims His Gay Sex Tape Is “All A Big Misunderstanding”
A video Facebook post from infamously homophobic televangelist Rick Palermo of the Assembly of Leviticus has gone viral because in it he apologizes for “accidentally doing a sodomy.”
“Folks, you know me, I’m probably the biggest fan and disciple of the book of Leviticus in the country, let alone our humble state of Arkansas,” said Palermo. “I love Leviticus so much I even named our beloved church after it. And I read from Leviticus every day. And my favorite passage is the one about gay people going to Hell because I’m so not gay that I’m probably the least gay person on the planet. I’m going straight to straight Heaven when I die! Which brings me to the subject of this address. Last weekend, an incident occurred that in no way accurately reflects the very true fact that I am not gay one bit. However, unfortunately, this incident was caught on tape, and is being held over my head as blackmail, so I thought the best thing for me to do was to just be honest and admit my totally innocent mistake. I’m not going to give in to the blackmail, so the video of my incident will probably soon be released to the public. So let me prepare all you, my faithful flock of Leviticus lovers, because the video will probably look a little bad. It’s not edited, and is one long, uncut take, but the video is being presented completely out of context.”
Palermo paused before continuing, and took a deep breath.
“At face value, this video will appear to be a gay porn video of me being gay in a gay club’s gay bathroom, but what you don’t see behind the scenes before the video starts is that I only went into the club not realizing it was a gay club. I thought it was a nightclub for Christian straights to get together and hold hands while praying. Nothing further sexually. So the sodomy I accidentally did was only because I had to go to the bathroom, and I went in there innocently with only Jesus Christ on my mind. But there must have been some gay sperm on the floor or something because I slipped, grabbed a toilet lid for balance where a rolled up dollar bill somehow got wedged in between my fingers, and I accidentally snorted a few lines of cocaine that someone had irresponsibly left on the seat. The shock disoriented me because everything was happening so fast, but I guess I stepped on my pant leg which pulled down my trousers, I got my shirt collar stuck on the door’s coat hook which ripped it off, and I guess the centrifugal force of my spinning made my underwear fall to my ankles leaving me naked, and then I fell onto another man’s erect penis.”
Palermo gestured a cross on his forehead and chest.
“It was a case of real bad timing because a guy with a video camera was there and got it all on film. Then, if I remember that night accurately, the video will show me giving a thumbs-up gesture to the camera, but that was just a completely innocent thumbs-up intended for Jesus to let Christ know that everything was okay, and that I was still straight. I was in the belly of the beast of a gay club, but Satan hadn’t gotten to my soul. I was so shocked I didn’t know what else to do, and I immediately started praying. The video shows that. You all know how serious I am during services when I’m praying, right? Nothing distracts me from my intense passion and faithfulness to Jesus Christ. That’s why in this illicit video you will see me close my eyes and then continue being spelunked in my colon by this man for another fifteen minutes. It’s not because I’m enjoying it. It’s only because 100% of my attention is being directed to Jesus and God, and I barely notice at all that the sodomy is happening. When you hear me scream in the video a bunch of things like ‘Yes!’ and ‘Harder!’ and ‘Deeper’ and “I love cock” repeatedly, I’m only calling out to Jesus to save mankind harder and deeper, and proclaiming that I’m ‘cocky for God.’ But thankfully right after the video ends, I said a prayer and banished Satan immediately so that God totally forgave me of this whole mess that never would have happened in the first place if gay marriage hadn’t been legalized.”
Palermo took a sip of water from a water bottle.
“Of course, the libtards are going to call me a ‘homophobic hypocrite’ for all of this, but actually I’ve been totally vindicated because I’ve spent my entire political career saying this is the exact sort of thing that would happen if gays were allowed to have the same rights as straights. I’ve been saying it for decades that America’s morals are going down the drain, and I’m just the latest Gay Agenda victim of their godless, socialist war against Christianity. So yeah, I just wanted to touch base with all my supporters before this video gets out. Just remember that it was all a misunderstanding, and I’m totally not gay. If I were gay, why would I love Leviticus so much that I started a church named after it? Why would 95% of my sermons be about gays being gross, sinful, and irredeemably evil? A guy with a clear-conscience would never do that! Only totally straight and pure, Godly men are as zealously, single-mindedly, existentially obsessed with homosexuality as I am. So thanks for listening, everyone. And, whatever you do, don’t watch that tape when it comes out!” 🥃
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