A Hacker Claims Ted Cruz’s Browser History Is “Really F’ed Up”

Photo by Gage Skidmore

A computer hacker yesterday claimed to have successfully hacked into Senator Ted Cruz’s personal laptop, but what he found convinced the hacker to take a break from the hobby.

“Honestly, it was a little horrifying,” said the hacker, who insisted on anonymity. “I was just curious if Cruz’s browser history corresponded with the fundamentalist Evangelicalism he campaigns and legislates on, but I was not prepared for what I saw. It made me decide that maybe I should go back to respecting people’s privacy.”

The Iowan hacker would not go into gratuitous detail of what he encountered on Cruz’s computer, but did reveal one dominant theme.

“Copious amounts of squirrel porn,” the hacker said. “Hours and hours of it. And by the look of it, some of it was homemade. I did a satellite image search, and a recurring backyard scene in many of the videos definitely matches the tree layout of Cruz’s own backyard.”

Senator Cruz’s office denied the squirrel-related allegations vehemently, but declined to confirm if the senator’s computer had been hacked into.

“We are looking into the matter,” said a Cruz staffer, “but I can assure you that if the senator has ever looked at pornography — and I’m not suggesting that the senator ever has — Senator Cruz would certainly only look at heterosexual, Homo sapien pornography.”

The hacker says he will reveal more in the coming week.

“It’s ironic because Ted Cruz has voted in Congress to repeal regulations requiring Internet service providers to get users’ permission before selling our data to third-party companies,” said the hacker. “So I don’t regret doing basically the same thing to him. I only regret what I saw. I cannot emphasize the word ‘copious’ enough when it comes to the amount of squirrel smut I found on Ted Cruz’s computer. Also, he has written several indulgent novels about himself orchestrating elaborate schemes to become president, kind of like in House of Cards. Only he strangles way more dogs in his stories. It’s like every couple of chapters he’s killing some other character’s dog for some reason. And a whole bunch of stray dogs. I don’t know what it is that he has against dogs. Maybe it’s because dogs try to eat his beloved squirrels? He goes really deep into the details of how long it takes to physically choke a dog to death. It sure makes it seem like he kills dogs in real life. Yeesh. Ted Cruz is a total creep.”

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