HE’S NOT JUST LIKE US
A Day In The Life Of Elon Musk
A look at what Musk’s life is really like at the Twitter headquarters.
5:30 am- Elon wakes up in a makeshift bed at the Twitter HQ in sheets he hasn’t washed since taking over the company.
5:31 am- Elon opens his Twitter app to see if @Catturd2 tweeted anything while he was asleep. Then he checks Stephen King’s page. Then checks to make sure LeBron James’s blue checkmark is still showing. Then he searches “Elon Musk,” and responds to random verified users with 6 followers for an hour. His most used emoji is the cry-laughing emoji.
6:37 am- Elon opens up his Reddit app to start perusing good memes he can steal without giving credit. After finding one, Elon posts it, and then switches through several burner Twitter accounts he maintains commenting iterations of “Elon Musk should do stand-up,” “Elon Musk is the Dave Chapelle of tech bros,” and “Netflix should give Elon Musk an hour-long comedy special.”
6:56 am- Elon switches to another burner account and tweets, “As a gay Black Democrat, I totally agree that the liberal Woke mind virus is ruining society.” Then he switches to his real account, and retweets it with “True.”
7:30 am- Elon goes to the bathroom and monitors the near translucency of his pale skin while washing his hands. He contemplates various tattoos he could get that would totally own the libs. He writes down “My pronouns are I’m Rich Bitch” into his “Tattoo Ideas” note on his phone.
8:01 am- Morning meeting with his “hardcore engineers” who depend on their jobs at Twitter for US visa status, and have no choice but to essentially be Elon Musk’s 24-hour tech slaves if they want to keep their lives in America:
- Elon tells them he wants them to shadow ban all tweets referencing his father’s emerald mine.
- Elon asks if there’s a way to retroactively change the results of his Twitter poll that proved a majority of Twitter users want him to stop serving as the company’s CEO. Elon asks if it would be believable if he tweeted out that the poll was rigged by employees bitter about him firing 80% of the company, and he actually won the poll significantly.