My portfolio of comedy published various places mixing existentialist irony, Dadaist absurdity, liberal graffiti news, and societal satire. — COMEDY ARTICLES The Aqueduct New Deal Will Destroy Rome My fellow Romans, I write to warn you of a grave threat to the Roman economy and way of life. The progressives are at…www.mcsweeneys.net Noah Says He's Sorry for Bringing Chlamydia on the Ark Noah from the Bible would like to apologize for bringing the following species on the Ark: Chlamydia: "I maybe should…www.pointsincase.com

In a stunning biological breakthrough, scientists based in Iceland have used artificial intelligence to decipher an Atlantic dialect of the language dolphins use to communicate with each other. The language has been named “Dolpinian,” and it consists of clicking, whistling, and humming noises that allow dolphins to communicate ideas with…

Poems about writers, literacy, and the posterity of your written words — I want books mountains of books decaying all around me with me their empathies crackling into vanilla powder because even though life’s short and then nothing a well-rounded education of others’ famous thoughts is an enlightened enough use of your amusement time. Thank A Writer you sleep to get your…

I recently had a conversation with God about the political issues of the day. The following is our discussion, lightly edited for clarity: DM: Hey, God, how is everything? GOD: Great, thanks for asking! You know, no one ever asks how I’m doing. Everyone prays to Me and tells Me…

I used to work at the restaurant called Galilee’s, where Jesus had his Last Supper, and, to be frank, that night stands out in my memory as one of the worst tables I ever served. It was a mess from the beginning, as Jesus had made a reservation in our…

The Religious Right has been conned by an egomaniac president offering fascism with a Bible he’s visibly unfamiliar holding — Conservative Evangelicals’ culture war zealotry has turned them into the very amoral monsters they have always claimed to be fighting against, and their embrace of Donald Trump — whose family history, personality, business career, and presidency are, fundamentally, the antithesis of the New Testament — deserves to be remembered as…

Free advice on the aesthetic of life — Always read the room. The easiest way to impress the world is with an expansive vocabulary. If a street performer catches your attention as you walk by you owe him a buck. If he makes you stop you owe him more. Feel responsible for your city’s entertainers. Go for more…

It’s very funny how often conservative men complain about dating being hard because women are disgusted in Republican politics and Donald Trump. …

The South’s “Lost Cause,” despite its claims of defending “states’ rights,” is an ahistorical mask of propaganda devoid of the slightest understanding of American history between 1820 and 1865. The South’s real cause in the Civil War was to preserve slavery and defend the racist idea that it was acceptable…