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BLASPHEMOUS ENVY
73% of Christians Wish Christianity Was As Cool As Pagan Religions
A new poll shows that the religions of ancient Vikings, Egyptians, Romans, and Greeks were just cooler.
A brand new poll released by a consortium of universities in St. Louis found that an impressive 73% of self-identifying Christians in America wish their monotheism had a little more Pagan “oompfh.”
“Don’t get me wrong here, fellas, because I love Christ and follow him everyday,” explained local evangelical Todd Harms of South City, “but, if I’m being totally honest, I kind of wish Jesus had more of a Thor-thing going on. Jesus is amazing cause of his eternal message of love, peace, forgiveness, and turning the other cheek, but Jesus needs a weapon. Thor had a solid metal hammer to bludgeon the enemies of his people and shatter their bones. Now that’s an alpha male you want to get behind and follow, you know? Again, don’t misunderstand me because, like I said, I’m 100% behind Christ, but he kind of only had like 12 disciples and some gross lepers following him around. Thor was a king to millions. It’s a little more compelling. Like, if Jesus came back and was going around with a band of ragtag lepers, I probably wouldn’t want to get involved, you know? But, again, Jesus is 100% my…
