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70-Year-Old Democrat Decides It’s Time To Become An Angry, Racist Republican
Local Miami resident Hank Champman turned 70 years old today, and says he’s old enough now to convert from Democrat to Republican, and become a grumpy geezer who hates change.
“They always say that people start off as bleeding heart liberals, and then become heartless conservatives when they get older,” said Champman, “and, now that I’m 70, I suppose it’s my turn to keep up this timeless tradition. So, from now on, I’m gonna start publicly ranting to anyone around me about ethnic and religious minorities, feminists, Millennials, Gen Z, the volume of my neighbors’ music, diner waitresses who should smile more, craft beer, people who dye their hair, gender-crossing fashion statements, food not being hot enough or having enough salt, social media beyond Facebook, electric cars, QR codes, all the apps I have to download now to do anything, and everything new that didn’t exist when I was kid!”
To enact this lifestyle change, Champman recently changed his voting party affiliation from Democrat to Republican, and scrubbed his Facebook page of various posts he has published in recent years supporting issues such as universal healthcare, minimum wage increases, climate change action, and gay marriage.
