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10 Tips For Donald Trump On How To Avoid Raping Women

Advice for Trump to avoid any future $83 million lawsuits

Dash MacIntyre
2 min readFeb 19, 2024

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Official White House photo by Joyce N. Boghosian | via Flickr.com Public Domain CC 1.0
  1. If you find a woman alone in a dressing room, elevator, or any other place, don’t “move on her like a bitch” and rape her.
  2. If popping Tic Tacs gives you a Pavlovian urge to sexually assault women, switch to a different mint or candy treat.
  3. If your best friend invites you to parties with underage girls that he pays for sexual favors, stop attending his parties, flying to his private island, or just stop being friends with him altogether.
  4. Aim higher on your financial goals. If you really focus on saving your money so you can reach a higher ranking on the Forbes list of billionaires, you’ll likely decide it’s not worth it to risk paying more $83.3 million lawsuits for raping women and then defaming them.
  5. If taking women out furniture shopping makes you uncontrollably horny, let women buy their own furniture from now on.
  6. When out in public, occasionally remind yourself that other people do not like to hear dirty men say “locker room talk” or sexually suggestive things about their daughters.
  7. Remember that women’s locker rooms and bathrooms are for women only, and that you do not belong in there even if you do host the beauty pageants in which those women are participating. And, if they’re teenagers, remember that it’s an even bigger crime to go snooping in there.
  8. Always go out with a friend, someone big and strong, to accompany you and help physically restrain you from raping women.
  9. Consider no longer carrying blank non-disclosure agreements with you everywhere you go. If it’s a hassle to find a printer nearby in order to print out an NDA, that could be enough of an obstacle to help you decide it’s too much effort to do any raping.
  10. Wear big winter gloves on your hands at all times so that even if you feel the urge to grab women by the pussy you literally can’t.

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Dash MacIntyre

Comedian, political satirist, and poet. Created The Halfway Post. Check out my comedy book Satire In The Trump Years, and my poetry book Cabaret No Stare.